by Patricia Soto      I thought I was drowning. I tried to suck in air, but not enough would enter my lugs. I felt a tight pressure on my back, almost like a piercing pain. "I must be drowning..." I thought to myself! I opened my eyes to see where I was, and in the dimly lit outlines of my surroundings I remembered that I was on my bed at Oasis of Hope Hospital. I glanced at the bed next to me and saw my mother sleeping. I realized I was stuck in the twilight between consciousness and sleep, and the reality of the situation began to come back to me. I was not drowning in a watery place... I was drowning in the emotion of my current situation. I woke up from my drowning dream and remembered, "oh yes, mom is here at the hospital... she has a fever... she's nothing like I know her to be normally... and she has a pancreatic cancer... and I can't handle the situation... and I am alone."      I got up and popped one of my mom's Vicodin pills to numb myself...